i struggle because i crave pressure and progress and accomplishment. and yeah, i know i get those things as a sahm, but i'm not just talking about pressure to get from soccer practice to open house at school in a timely fashion or finally cleaning the baseboards and ceiling fans or mikey finally going a day without an "accident".
i'm talking about the pressure of having a deadline to meet with a production run or getting a promotion or having my research paper published. MY paper that I wrote...getting published for all the scientific research community to read. i crave to be useful. i crave to be productive. i crave to feel needed. appreciated. respected. and, hey, bringing home a paycheck doesn't hurt my ego, either.
and many days as a sahm, none of that happens. my days are more like...mom, where are my shin guards? mom, what's for dinner? we're gonna be late, mom. that's not what i wanted in my lunch, mom. what do you mean you didn't pick up my dry cleaning? juice! i want juice! then, of course, there's the seven loads of laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher three times a day. but the hardest part to grasp is that by the end of my day as Mom, i'm more tired than i was at the end of the day when i worked a 9-5 AND my workday isn't over yet. it's never over.
today, for example, i'm exhausted. my back is aching. my head hurts. we missed the boys' end-of-season baseball game. the kitchen floor is still sticky. my husband is ignoring me. liam punched me during therapy. again. and not once did anyone say thank you to me.
my emotional bank is drained. depleted. and i don't know when the next deposit is coming, but i hope it's soon. so then i can put this nonsense away again....until the next time my emotional balance goes negative.
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3 comments:
I agree with Tasha, I love how you can open up and be honest about your emotional struggles because I know a lot of mamas feel the same but put up a happy facade. I can totally understand your point and I am hoping your tank fills up soon! thinking about you!
When I have days like these (more often than not) I remember that I'm not alone (we are in this together!) but also I remember this words: It's not suppose to be easy, it's suppose to be worth it! You are giving your time, energy and all you've got to people and people matter not things :)
what a great post. I feel the same way so often. It's hard giving so much of yourself and often not even getting a thank you...just know it IS important work and we are appreciated even if they don't say it!
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