grieving

a good friend of mine learned about wyatt's diagnosis and reminded me that "it is ok to grieve", i have no idea why particular words said by particular people can invoke a particular response from me, while the same words from a different person will make me want to tell them to just shut the hell up. but hearing those words at that moment made me realize that i didn't allow myself the chance grieve properly over wyatt's diagnosis.

even before wyatt was diagnosed, we were proactive about watching for the "signs". as soon as he was diagnosed, i dove head-first into the paperwork process that will get him the right services that he needs. because we've been through it all once before, i've been denying myself the chance to grieve. i've also been lying to myself; convincing myself that this will be no big deal - if we've done it once, we can do it again.

that's bullshit. it is a big deal. and it's time for me to grieve. i'm mom and it's my job to be emotional about my children. if i'm not, then i'm doing something very wrong. it's time for me to take a moment and grieve for what could have been. and grieve for the unknown. i know it's all part of the healing process, necessary so that i can move on. if i don't grieve, these feelings of hurt and sadness will take up a permanent place in my heart - a place that should not be wasted on sadness and instead be extended as more love toward my children.

i grieve for wyatt and the childhood that i hoped for him.
i grieve for the hours, days, weeks, months of his childhood that he will lose to therapy and interventions.
i grieve for the frustration he feels each and every day that causes him to bang his head on things.
i grieve for my fear that he doesn't know how much i want to understand him.
i grieve for his lost voice - a beautiful voice that i know will present itself to us one day - but for now, i grieve it's loss.
i grieve for the cuddle time with my sweet boy that has been stolen by tactile sensitivity.
i grieve for his older brothers who are forced to grow up faster than any child should, just so that they can be more than a brother, but also a teacher and guide.
i grieve for the unkind words that my boys will inevitably hear on the playground at school.
i grieve for both liam and wyatt, who should not have to work so damn hard every single day just so people can understand them.
i grieve for all the things that each person in our family will have to sacrifice in the name of autism.
no one, especially children, should ever have to do that.

whether i go through this once, twice or twenty more times, it's never going to NOT suck. it's just as scary, i'm just as anxious and i'm just as worried as the last time, if not more. but the one and only thing that i really need to understand is that...it's ok.

house hunters

this is what i get for bringing four boys on a house hunt with us...they find the deepest closet and scurry to the back. at least i know that i have a place to put them for time-outs!

on-tism

conversation between me and mikey earlier today....

me: you know, we found out yesterday that wyatt has autism like liam.

(moment of silence. wheels obviously turning in mikey's head as he formulates a response.)

mikey: on-tism must make kids really fun. because liam, wyatt and all the kids at liam's school that i play with at summer camp are so so fun. i want on-tism.

oh, mister mikey. i don't know how i would ever get through my days without you.



to my dearest wyatt,

i won't always be the perfect mommy. i won't always know what to do, what you want or how to respond. but please know in your heart that i will never ever give you any less than my best. i will be the best mommy, advocate, teacher, therapist- the very best anything - that i can be to help you become the very best you that you can be. together we will learn and stumble and fall (a lot), but there is nothing we can't get through. i love you more than the stars in the sky.

love, mommy

rejection

we got our first rejection today for a purchase offer on a house. waaah waaah waaah. i guess i'll have to get used to this feeling. i have a hard time going into anything without my whole heart, that's just the way i am. so when i find a i house i love i, literally, fall in love.

stop that, right now, katrina. *smack across the face*

ok, thanks. i needed that.

but, c'mon. don't tell me this isn't the cutest little house you've ever seen. it's like my very own little piece of cape cod...in california. wait...what state do i live in again?

i was imagining christmas time in that house - big, green wreaths with a red bow on every window.  lovely, no? sighhh....

and the brick fireplace and french doors....{{swoon}} 

oh, well...for whatever reason, it just wasn't meant to be for our family and this house. i'll just comfort myself by imagining the peeps that outbid us will find termites or something during the inspection. bwahha. i'm evil, know...

onward we go in our house hunt......

thift store find

I paid a visit to my favorite thrift store last weekend and scored these adorable end tables. They are a matching set with so much character - I couldn't resist them. The best part is their price: $7.96 for both! With just a little paint and tlc, these will be a lovely addition to our home.

#2 goes to kindergarten

mister mikey had his first day of kindergarten bridge camp today. the kinder teachers bring in the incoming kindergartners for one week early in the summer to get them familiar with their future teachers and classrooms.

mikey dropped right in and was super excited to get his day started.

i was a little sad to send him off because it means he is growing up. but i was more excited for him and the things he will learn. he has been in preschool for three years and was beyond ready for this transition.

i picked him up and he came running into my arms, "i LOVE kindergarten, mommy! it was soooo fun!" that is the best reaction i could ever ask for.

house hunting

tomorrow, we are officially starting our search for a home!!! this has been a long time coming and i can hardly believe we are finally ready. it is a huge chapter of our lives and i plan to document the journey here on my blog. i read somewhere that there are three major life events in a person's life: a wedding, having a children and buying a house. well, we skipped the wedding and eloped. we've done the baby thing a few times. now, we just need to buy our first home to complete the combo and then we can die tomorrow. hahah we are suuuuuper excited!

the mister connected with a real estate agent this weekend and he basically told her, "contact my wife and see when she is available to look at houses with you. i'm sure i will be deferring to her judgement so she might as well be the one you take to tour homes with." umm, seriously? then he said to me later, "you choose which house you want as long as it's in our budget. i want you to be happy." umm, really? can you be any more perfect? i love you, husband. big time. but you know that already....

so tomorrow morning, i get to tour three different houses. this is seriously going to be so much fun!!!  we may not even decide on one for a few months just so i can prolong the experience. we are in no rush, by any means at all, so we plan on taking our sweet time and finding the perfect fit for our family.

we haven't looked at a single house yet but i already have visions of farmhouse dining tables and southern-style living rooms dancing in my head. thanks to pinterest. 

this *ahem* my kitchen. that sink...{{swoon}}

Source: georgianadesign.tumblr.com via Katrina on Pinterest

and can you just picture that kitchen feeding into this family room. so perfectly lovely. 

Source: wonderwomanwannabe.com via Katrina on Pinterest

but i guess these visions of sugarplum fairies will just be staying in my head since it's highly unlikely that the kitchen i get will look like that! but a girl can dream, right??