finding joy

most days i don't even have to find the joy. it's always just there and easy to see. but some days, it's a little harder to find. on those days, i have to consciously not let the difficulty of the moment cloud my view of the joy. because the joy is always, always there - even amidst struggle.

last weekend, we decided on a whim to drive up to pine mountain lake and spend the weekend at a friend's cabin for his birthday. we thought it would be fine. no - more than fine. we thought it would be FUN. but it was...different. it was a weekend full of struggle. liam and wyatt's autism was "showing" and they had a hard time coping with the different environment and schedule, or lack thereof. there were lots of meltdowns, lots of tears. liam was up all night screaming, "i don't like this bed! i hate this bed!" wyatt cried for pretty much the entire time we were there and wouldn't sleep without me rubbing his back. and if i stopped, he would wake up and start to cry again. it was just difficult. plain and simple. so difficult that we cut the trip short and only stayed one night instead of two.

in between the meltdowns, tears, and struggle, i had to fight hard against my own emotional weakness and find the joy. but, like it said, it was always there. lots of it. 

i found joy in waking up on saturday morning to birds chirping 

and cool, crisp air coming through the patio door.

i found the joy in the big boys having the time of their lives in the woods. 

i found joy in the ease my presence brought to wyatt.

i found joy in the mister starting a bbq with pizza boxes and flint because we didn't have lighter fluid.

 i found the joy in liam squealing in delight when he saw the deer roaming right beside the cabin's deck.

  

 i found joy in watching cooper relaxing on the ottoman, just like he does at home. 

i found joy in watching wyatt sleep with his little bumbum in the air.

i found joy in our hike to the playground.

 

i found joy in the cute little diggers they had in the sandbox.

i found joy in liam's curiosity.

and i found joy and serenity in the beauty of cabin life.

super reader

3-year-old liam reads a book to me!

swim! swim! by lerch

grieving

a good friend of mine learned about wyatt's diagnosis and reminded me that "it is ok to grieve", i have no idea why particular words said by particular people can invoke a particular response from me, while the same words from a different person will make me want to tell them to just shut the hell up. but hearing those words at that moment made me realize that i didn't allow myself the chance grieve properly over wyatt's diagnosis.

even before wyatt was diagnosed, we were proactive about watching for the "signs". as soon as he was diagnosed, i dove head-first into the paperwork process that will get him the right services that he needs. because we've been through it all once before, i've been denying myself the chance to grieve. i've also been lying to myself; convincing myself that this will be no big deal - if we've done it once, we can do it again.

that's bullshit. it is a big deal. and it's time for me to grieve. i'm mom and it's my job to be emotional about my children. if i'm not, then i'm doing something very wrong. it's time for me to take a moment and grieve for what could have been. and grieve for the unknown. i know it's all part of the healing process, necessary so that i can move on. if i don't grieve, these feelings of hurt and sadness will take up a permanent place in my heart - a place that should not be wasted on sadness and instead be extended as more love toward my children.

i grieve for wyatt and the childhood that i hoped for him.
i grieve for the hours, days, weeks, months of his childhood that he will lose to therapy and interventions.
i grieve for the frustration he feels each and every day that causes him to bang his head on things.
i grieve for my fear that he doesn't know how much i want to understand him.
i grieve for his lost voice - a beautiful voice that i know will present itself to us one day - but for now, i grieve it's loss.
i grieve for the cuddle time with my sweet boy that has been stolen by tactile sensitivity.
i grieve for his older brothers who are forced to grow up faster than any child should, just so that they can be more than a brother, but also a teacher and guide.
i grieve for the unkind words that my boys will inevitably hear on the playground at school.
i grieve for both liam and wyatt, who should not have to work so damn hard every single day just so people can understand them.
i grieve for all the things that each person in our family will have to sacrifice in the name of autism.
no one, especially children, should ever have to do that.

whether i go through this once, twice or twenty more times, it's never going to NOT suck. it's just as scary, i'm just as anxious and i'm just as worried as the last time, if not more. but the one and only thing that i really need to understand is that...it's ok.

on-tism

conversation between me and mikey earlier today....

me: you know, we found out yesterday that wyatt has autism like liam.

(moment of silence. wheels obviously turning in mikey's head as he formulates a response.)

mikey: on-tism must make kids really fun. because liam, wyatt and all the kids at liam's school that i play with at summer camp are so so fun. i want on-tism.

oh, mister mikey. i don't know how i would ever get through my days without you.



to my dearest wyatt,

i won't always be the perfect mommy. i won't always know what to do, what you want or how to respond. but please know in your heart that i will never ever give you any less than my best. i will be the best mommy, advocate, teacher, therapist- the very best anything - that i can be to help you become the very best you that you can be. together we will learn and stumble and fall (a lot), but there is nothing we can't get through. i love you more than the stars in the sky.

love, mommy

what if..

today, i sent a message to our pediatrician and asked for a behavioral evaluation of wyatt. my heart has been heavy lately and i've been struggling with the thought that i could have another child with autism. i won't go into detail right now about the things i'm noticing in wyatt's behavior that are significant traits of autism. just know that they are there.

the mister and i keep telling ourselves that he's still so young. or he does ____. but doesn't _____. our conversations always start with those two words that can drive a person crazy (or a marriage into turmoil)...what if. i just can't keep thinking what if anymore. i just want some answers. i want to know. or maybe i just want to know what someone else thinks about it all.

in all reality, wyatt really is still very young. but at the same time, liam was only two months older than wyatt is now when our pediatrician noticed his behavior. 18-months-old. and it turns out, liam wasn't too young and the early intervention was so crucial to getting him to the developmental point he is at now. so i guess, the earlier we figure it out the better it will be for wyatt.

please pray for us, friends. please pray that we have the strength and courage to face what may come. and that we can get through it all with grace.

liam's first day

liam had his first day of preschool on tuesday and this new adventure had our entire family excited yet anxious for our sweet boy. it was definitely an exciting day. i did take some photos, but they don't do justice to the excitement. did i mention it was exciting? (hahah it's getting late....and my vocabulary shrinks as the night progresses.)

liam eats breakfast.

liam fiddles with his backpack strap.

liam and mommy trying to pose in front of what looks like the gate to a juvenile detention facility.

daddy trying to get all creative with the camera angle. fail.

liam finally showing a little bit of excitement. 

walking to his classroom.

he walked into the classroom, found a puzzle, got completely involved and forgot that i was even there.

so, we turn to leave and i'm slightly disappointed that it wasn't as dramatic as i expected it to be.

oh, but wait. 

liam notices me and shawn leaving, so he starts to cry. 

let the drama commence. 

i proceeded to cry as soon as i heard him cry.

 lord, have mercy. 

i turn toward the door to make a break for it and walk right into the door jamb.

thank goodness my face was there to take the hit. 

at the same moment, i let out (or in?) an embarrassingly loud snort amid my crying. 

i finally rush out the door, successful this time, but red-faced and defeated nonetheless.

doesn't that sound exciting?

oh, it was. believe me.

later that morning, when the redness in my face finally began to fade, liam's program assistant calls me and says, "liam's totally fine. but i was calling to see how YOU were doing." 

i'm immediately red-faced, once again. fantastic.

 it did make me happy, though, when his p.a. sent me this photo of my sweet boy. 

smiling. pretending. having fun.

i'm one super proud mama.

it's official!!!

liam's starting preschool!

yikes...yikes...and more yikes.

the whole process leading up to yesterday's IEP meeting has weighed heavy on my heart since it began. survey after survey. questionnaire after questionnaire. psychologists and psychiatrists and teachers and then some in and out of our house on a daily basis for assessments. hearing these strangers talk about my baby and try to "figure him out" has not been easy. this is why i've been pretty off the radar on my blog. i wanted to focus my energy on what was really important at the time - placing liam in a preschool program where he would thrive and be happy.

and finally, some three months later, we have received the results of all his assessments and they describe him pretty perfectly. his social and behavior skills are deficient, which i think will be helped by placing him in a preschool site with other children. and his cognitive skills are way beyond his age level. there were 8 different specialists present at the meetings, many of whom conducted assessments with liam, and all of them were blown away by his intelligence. he was completing puzzles and problem-solving tasks that are age-appropriate for a second grader. the school psychologist said that he finished the testing for a 3 year old with no problem, so she gave him items that were typically given to 5-7 year olds "just to see if he could do them", and he did. all of them. another psychologist saved a piece of paper from her assessment with liam where he had written the entire alphabet in completely legible handwriting. there is no question that our liam is incredibly gifted. now, we just need to focus on the areas where he is deficient and do our best to prepare him for kindergarten.

the decision as to his placement has been made. he will be going to the school site for the same program that he has been with in-home for over a year now. he has made such great progress with them, we didn't see any reason to change things. the only change is that he will be at a school with other children rather than at home with Mom. he will even have the same teachers as he has had in-home, which will hopefully help him transition smoothly.

tomorrow is his last day of in-home sessions, then i have two weeks to spend with my baby before he officially starts preschool. i'm excited for him to start this next chapter of his journey, but i'm also a little sad. therapy in the morning with liam was what ran my days for the past year. i can't help but feel like, "what am i going to do now?" but i'm sure wyatt and i will find plenty of things to do to occupy our time while all of his brothers are in school. :)

i brought liam to his school yesterday because i wanted to see how he would take to the new environment. i feared the worst - tantrum at the door, refusing to go in, kicking and screaming. to my surprise, i got the complete opposite. we walked right in, he recognized a few of the people there from visits at home and found a spot in the play room with one of his teachers. i toured the school a bit and when i came back to him, i found him playing happily and he looked like he didn't even notice i left. i ask him, "do you like your new school, liam?" he answered, "yeah". i asked, "are you ready to go home now?" he answered, "no. no, thanks." i can't even clearly remember because everything was such a blur, almost like a dream, but i'm pretty sure i cried. (i cry about everything.) i think i was just having a hard time realizing that we are finally at this point - the point that we have been preparing him for for the past year - and that he is ready. 


wish us luck!!!


liam has a huge team of people supporting and guiding him. i wish i could give each of them the world. but, i can't. so instead, i made them some cards.

liam and one of his teachers, melissa. she has been such a blessing.

drowning

most days it feels like we have this whole autism thing under control. we felt as if we were drowning for a while, but we found our way back to catch some air and have been treading water since. it even felt like we could see the shore. but when a 5-lb envelope arrives in our mailbox stuffed with five booklets of 15-page questionnaires that we are supposed to answer about our sweet liam, my head feels like it just got pushed into the water once again.

i wasn't expecting this and i'm not looking forward to it, either. i'm sure some tears will come from it, and very likely an argument and some bickering between me and the mister. but we do what we have to do to make sure we get the very best for liam {and for all of our children}. so, this is how i will be spending today, and probably tomorrow and the day after that.

team liam

a few weeks ago, we participated in our local walk now for autism speaks in honor of our sweet boy, liam. we didn't do a lot of fundraising since we only decided two weeks before the event that we would be participating. we were lucky to even get our shirts made in time. it was a difficult and very emotional decision because - even over a year after his diagnosis - the emotions are still raw, the fear is still very real, the uncertainty is still taunting our family every single day. but we finally decided to participate because we realized that it is important to teach involvement and awareness to liam's brothers. 

team liam

my reason for breathing.

liam's caped crusaders.

daddy - our superhero

thank you, anne, for always being there for me and my family. we love you!

it was a wonderful day filled with family, love and support. we are so very grateful to have all of those.

miscellany monday ~ oct 17

linking up with carissa today....

{one}

last weekend, we participated in walk now for autism speaks. {i'll have a dedicated post on our experience soon.} we had team t-shirts printed by a friend and her husband, who own a printing company called darby productions. i don't know what i would have done without them. by the time we decided to participate in the walk, they only had a week to get our shirts ordered and put together and we couldn't be happier with the results. 

shameless plug - they print ANYTHING. so if you ever need anything printed - t-shirt, sports team banners, anything...please check out darby productions! :)

{two}

if i never have a chance to get out and enjoy some grown-up time with my girlfriends, i'm pretty sure i would lose my mind. i'm thankful that the mister understands this and is always so accommodating to my going out and gallivanting every once in a while.

i joined a great group of girls yesterday and we hopped in a hummer limo and went wine tasting at some wonderful livermore valley wineries. 

it was sooo much fun and a great escape. i'm definitely starting this week feeling refreshed and ready to take on whatever may come. 

{three}

i just love seeing the interaction between any and all of my boys. they just have so much love for one another and, even as the baby of the bunch, wyatt is no exception.

liam has in-home behavioral therapy every morning. he and his teacher do most of their work in his bedroom and we put up a baby gate to keep liam from "escaping" when he doesn't want to work. wyatt sits outside the gate and waits for liam to have "play time", which is three minutes of free play every 10-15 minutes. 

these photos were taken on separate days. wyatt sits and waits at liam's gate every single day. so sweet.

 peeking in at his big brother.

{four}

we recently signed up for our local csa {community supported agriculture} and received our first delivery of produce. fresh, organic produce, supporting local farms, and delivered to boot. can't beat it. this is definitely one of the biggest perks of living in california's central valley.

{five}

we officially have two charles gracie jiu-jitsu students!

mikey started at the academy last week. 

mikey has been looking forward to starting jiu-jitsu for a long time and was super excited to finally get his white belt and his very own card with his name on it {this is where they track progress to the next belt level}.

and an after-practice cookie from the market next door. :)

{six}

i always knew that my poor kids were going to have horrible eyesight. and i got an initial confirmation with the purchase of isaiah's first pair of eyeglasses. he is near-sighted and doesn't need to wear them for reading and writing {doing so would actually make his vision worse}, but he does need them during class lectures. 

i won't deny that i was really, really a little excited about helping him pick out a fun, hip frame. it helped a lot that we both liked the same frames. his choice involved no coercion from me....i promise. :)

{seven}

and just because there's no such thing as too much cuteness.