hangin' out

We spent some time at the park yesterday and I was happy to get some pictures of my crazy kids. No more babies here...playtime yesterday proved it. 

Here's my "baby" ready to hit the monkey bars. 

He grabbed onto the first bar all by himself and he is actually hanging by his own strength here. It kind of looks like his feet are on the platform from the angle...but they're not. When did this happen? And I was slightly worried but, obviously, not worried enough since I decided to snap a picture instead of helping him. Mother of the Year. Yep. But you knew that already.

Liam could barely fit into the swing. I practically had to butter him to get him out of it when he was done.

And Daredevil Mikey over here...jumping off of a four-foot-high ledge. Fabulous. I'm happy to report there were no broken ankles or other injuries sustained. That's all that matters, right?

Now, this. This moment was my favorite of all.

A little history...from when Liam was about 10-months-old to 3 years, I have very few pictures of him because he refused to sit still for a camera. He didn't just not sit still, he would burst into a fit of stubborn frustration no matter where we were. 

Let me tell you, it's strange, yet relieving and exciting to see how things have changed in just a short year. I tried to go all ninja on him and snap a picture as he came down the slide, mostly because I didn't think he'd let me take one of him if I asked. But when he heard me snap the picture, he said, "NO, MOM! Let's do that again. I wasn't ready!" and proceeded to go back up the slide and slide down again. Then he stopped himself at that very spot, threw his arm over the side of the slide, positioned himself in a pose that he deemed acceptable and said, "Take it like this, Mom. This is a good one." Followed by, "Now, post it on Facebook, ok?" Oh, how that last request killed me. I about passed out from joy right then and there, but I didn't want to get tan bark in my hair.

This last picture, my friends, is just for the Mister. He hates this cheesy heart-y overlay so, of course, I had to take a pic of us...and use the overlay. Duh. And then post it on Instagram and blog about. Double Duh. What kind of wife would I be if I didn't? Love ya, Babe!

embrace the camera ~ july 19

i've fallen off the embrace wagon. it's been a looong time since i last had an embrace post and i've been feeling a little guilty about it.  and i've also been feeling guilty about not doing a better job of blogging, documenting, picture-taking, memory-keeping...

the boys do and say really funny, random things all day long. just the other day, i told the mister i was going to start a twitter account for the boys and just tweet the random, funny stuff that comes out of their mouths all day long. it's like verbal diarrhea. but funnier. and not so gross, i think.

anyway, like i said, i want to do better at keeping my family's memories. i want to stop letting the big, messy things in life get in the way of seeing the little, awesome things. so with this post, i pledge to be a better memory-keeper. and i'm committing to posting once a day - even it's a single photo with no words uploaded from the blogger app on my phone. though, i hope to be able to do better than that.

so here i am, embracing with my sweet wyatt last weekend. he looks like he sure loves his mommy, no?

grieving

a good friend of mine learned about wyatt's diagnosis and reminded me that "it is ok to grieve", i have no idea why particular words said by particular people can invoke a particular response from me, while the same words from a different person will make me want to tell them to just shut the hell up. but hearing those words at that moment made me realize that i didn't allow myself the chance grieve properly over wyatt's diagnosis.

even before wyatt was diagnosed, we were proactive about watching for the "signs". as soon as he was diagnosed, i dove head-first into the paperwork process that will get him the right services that he needs. because we've been through it all once before, i've been denying myself the chance to grieve. i've also been lying to myself; convincing myself that this will be no big deal - if we've done it once, we can do it again.

that's bullshit. it is a big deal. and it's time for me to grieve. i'm mom and it's my job to be emotional about my children. if i'm not, then i'm doing something very wrong. it's time for me to take a moment and grieve for what could have been. and grieve for the unknown. i know it's all part of the healing process, necessary so that i can move on. if i don't grieve, these feelings of hurt and sadness will take up a permanent place in my heart - a place that should not be wasted on sadness and instead be extended as more love toward my children.

i grieve for wyatt and the childhood that i hoped for him.
i grieve for the hours, days, weeks, months of his childhood that he will lose to therapy and interventions.
i grieve for the frustration he feels each and every day that causes him to bang his head on things.
i grieve for my fear that he doesn't know how much i want to understand him.
i grieve for his lost voice - a beautiful voice that i know will present itself to us one day - but for now, i grieve it's loss.
i grieve for the cuddle time with my sweet boy that has been stolen by tactile sensitivity.
i grieve for his older brothers who are forced to grow up faster than any child should, just so that they can be more than a brother, but also a teacher and guide.
i grieve for the unkind words that my boys will inevitably hear on the playground at school.
i grieve for both liam and wyatt, who should not have to work so damn hard every single day just so people can understand them.
i grieve for all the things that each person in our family will have to sacrifice in the name of autism.
no one, especially children, should ever have to do that.

whether i go through this once, twice or twenty more times, it's never going to NOT suck. it's just as scary, i'm just as anxious and i'm just as worried as the last time, if not more. but the one and only thing that i really need to understand is that...it's ok.

on-tism

conversation between me and mikey earlier today....

me: you know, we found out yesterday that wyatt has autism like liam.

(moment of silence. wheels obviously turning in mikey's head as he formulates a response.)

mikey: on-tism must make kids really fun. because liam, wyatt and all the kids at liam's school that i play with at summer camp are so so fun. i want on-tism.

oh, mister mikey. i don't know how i would ever get through my days without you.



to my dearest wyatt,

i won't always be the perfect mommy. i won't always know what to do, what you want or how to respond. but please know in your heart that i will never ever give you any less than my best. i will be the best mommy, advocate, teacher, therapist- the very best anything - that i can be to help you become the very best you that you can be. together we will learn and stumble and fall (a lot), but there is nothing we can't get through. i love you more than the stars in the sky.

love, mommy

what if..

today, i sent a message to our pediatrician and asked for a behavioral evaluation of wyatt. my heart has been heavy lately and i've been struggling with the thought that i could have another child with autism. i won't go into detail right now about the things i'm noticing in wyatt's behavior that are significant traits of autism. just know that they are there.

the mister and i keep telling ourselves that he's still so young. or he does ____. but doesn't _____. our conversations always start with those two words that can drive a person crazy (or a marriage into turmoil)...what if. i just can't keep thinking what if anymore. i just want some answers. i want to know. or maybe i just want to know what someone else thinks about it all.

in all reality, wyatt really is still very young. but at the same time, liam was only two months older than wyatt is now when our pediatrician noticed his behavior. 18-months-old. and it turns out, liam wasn't too young and the early intervention was so crucial to getting him to the developmental point he is at now. so i guess, the earlier we figure it out the better it will be for wyatt.

please pray for us, friends. please pray that we have the strength and courage to face what may come. and that we can get through it all with grace.

photo-a-day #16: swing

we had a little fun at the park with the boys' uncle mike and auntie jessie, who are visiting from hawaii. wyatt especially loves the swing. he must love the liberating feeling of air through his mullet.

photo-a-day #15: cool dude

wyatt is getting some cool dude training from his big brothers. 

first item on the training plan: 

wear your stunna shades. even at night.

photo-a-day #12: little drummer boy

this is how you'll find wyatt while i cook dinner each night.

drumming on tupperware with wooden spoons.

photo-a-day #11: slow-dancing

wyatt isn't walking yet, but he truly thinks he can. he loves being "walked" around the house by anyone willing. here is is slow-dancing in the kitchen with isaiah.

yes, i'm aware he needs a haircut. his hair already so closely resembles a mullet, shawn and i have decided to go all the way with it. like, full-on, billy ray cyrus, achy breaky heart mullet. yessir. wait for it.

photo-a-day 5: chubby knuckles

i really love chubby baby knuckles. 

the ones that are so chubby that it looks like there are no knuckles. 

i love watching wyatt's little hands explore the world around him. he grabs for everything in sight and his curiosity is immeasurable. i can't wait to see what the future has in store for those hands. i'm sure they are destined to build great things.

thankful

ever feel so blessed and thankful that your heart feels like it's going to explode?

i do. right now. 

and it's because of these happy, smiling faces that light up my days.

photo-a-day 4: mmm...waffles

wyatt is always his happiest when he's eating something.

just like his mama.

photo-a-day 3: button nose

photo-a-day 2: stripes and a comb-over

and you probably shouldn't be playing with whatever that is you're playing with, wyatt.

where is your mother?

photo-a-day 1: birthday boy

there's a blog i absolutely love that is written by mariah, a wonderful mommy with three of the most handsome boys that you'd ever see. she writes of all the joyful noises in her home...which are pretty similar to the joyful noises is my own home. that's why i love to read her blog...so i can breathe a sigh of relief in knowing that i'm not the only one. 


anyway, long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, she did a photo-a-day series on her sweet, sweet baby boy, harrison. i loved the concept and i knew i wanted to do this as well, i just couldn't find the right time to start. now that liam has started preschool, i can foresee myself and wyatt sitting around and staring at each other for hours on end. then it clicked - it couldn't be a better time to start a photo-a-day series on my own sweet baby boy, don't you think?

wyatt is the baby of our bunch and he just turned ONE last week! i'm excited to snap a picture of him each day and share it with you all, my faithful readers. get ready for cuteness overload for the entire month of january. the posts probably will not always have text, so don't be alarmed. i promise, i won't be writing a novel in three hours each morning. i have better things to do...like catch up on the real housewives of new york.

happy first birthday, chubby!

our fourth little boy

wyatt james

turns one today! 

as cute as our babies are {i kid, but it's true}...we regret to inform you all that there will be no more babies in this house, my friends. we are ready to close the baby chapter of our family's story and move on to far more exciting, big boy action and adventure. take a good look at this one-of-a-kind cuteness. this little guy will be the last you'll see of it! 

my favorite thing about this cutie, besides his unbearable handsomeness, is his name. we named our last baby boy after two of the baddest cowboys in history: wyatt earp and jesse james. or maybe i took james from that super hot jesse james that sandra bullock was so fortunate to be married to - the world shall never truly know. too bad he cheated on her. anyway, i digress....

this song that i have playing - the joker by steve miller band - always reminds me of my little space cowboy. and i'm sure it will every time i hear it for the rest of my life. and i love that.

i say it each time...but, oh, how it really feels like just yesterday that i selflessly went through the excruciating five minutes of labor with you, mister wyatt. 

exhausting, i tell you. 

you made me push a whole two times. who do you think you are?

 you have no shame. i think i know who you got that from. {ahem...dad.} 

flashing your back fat like there's no tomorrow. that should be illegal.

and those cheeks. 

please, wyatt. there will always be food available to you, i promise. 

you don't need to hide any away for the winter.

the love your brothers have for you is more than i could have ever hoped for.

you are their baby brother.

  

and always will be.

there will be years where you'll hate it.

but i hope that one day you'll embrace it.

and you'll always be my baby boy. 

no matter how much taller than me you end up to be.

thank you for completing our family, wyatt.

you've filled a place in my heart that i never even knew was there.

and i couldn't be happier or more grateful.

'cause i'm a picker

i'm a grinner

i'm a lover

and i'm a sinner

i play my music in the sun.

~ ~ ~ ~

happy first birthday, chubby!

i love you to the moon and back.

disneyland!

even as we approached the main entrance, i remember shawn and i being so nervous about surviving a disneyland trip with four kids, one with autism. we were whispering to each other our game plan of what to do if liam (or any of the kids, for that matter) had a meltdown at some point during the day. we whispered that we'd remind each other to take deep breaths and reassured one another that the memories we'd make for the kids would be so worth the inevitable stress that we'd experience. we reminded each other to just not care about onlookers and not care what other people think - this is my biggest difficulty when it comes to liam and his meltdowns in public. we were giving each other this pre-game pep talk and the only thing missing was to put our hands in the middle of the huddle then yelling, "goooo team!" 

we survived. there was crying. there was bickering. there were meltdowns in the middle of main street for cotton candy. there was stress. lots of it. but there were also lots of smiles. lots of laughs. lots of moments of pure wonder in their eyes...and it made every anxious moment worthwhile.

i think i still look a little nervous in our first picture upon entering. heehee

a good friend mentioned that we could get a "guest assistance pass" for liam, which is basically the pass for people with disabilities to skip the lines. i felt guilty about it at first, but then i had just had to realize that we needed it and families like us are one of the reasons they even provide that service. liam has a severe aversion to crowds, loud places and loud music, and not to mention, waiting, so there was no way he'd be able to wait in any lines. before we knew about the pass, we just figured shawn and i would have split up while one of us takes the big kids into a ride and the other stays outside and waits with liam. well, thanks to the pass, this was not the case. liam was able to take part in everything that the big kids did. we were able to do and see everything as a family and actually enjoy the park together. this was huge and i was so incredibly thankful. i remember being in tears at every single ride, when i'd look at liam and just see the wonder and curiosity in his eyes. never, until that day, had i ever truly experienced the magic of disneyland. 

liam was intrigued by goofy and the other characters he saw around the park. too funny.

my boys had zero interest in sleeping beauty's castle or anything princess, actually. sigh. but, i made them pose in front of the castle anyway. because i'm their mom and they have to do what i tell them.

isaiah even got to participate in a jedi training class.

and fight darth vader with his newly-acquired jedi skillz. 

on the boat, about to enter "it's a small world". liam wasn't sure what all the excitement was about and was far more interested in what was up his nose.

this is the first time i'd been to the park during the holidays. "it's a small world" was absolutely breathtaking. 

my favorite picture of the entire day.

my silly boys.

liam, studying his map intently.

this is also the first time i've seen the park decorated for christmas. everything was so beautiful. it's a completely different place during the holidays. i don't think i'd ever want to come at another time of the year ever again!

we were able to watch the fireworks later in the evening. they played christmas music and the fireworks were holiday-themed. and at the end of the show, it snowed on main street! this might not be new to others but, like i said, this is the first time i'd been during the holidays, so i was taken completely by surprise and that was when the waterworks started. i was in tears - it was such a memorable and magical experience for so many reasons. i will never, ever forget it.

free is my favorite

ok, peeps. it's no secret - i'm pretty cheap. but, let me tell you, i haven't always been this way. once we went from dual-income to single-income and my husband threatened to divorce me if i didn't change my spending ways {just kidding...but kinda not}, i realized i had to shape up or ship out. 

anyway, i've since joined the local freecycle group, which is just a group of people that offer up anything that they want to get rid of - always for free - and anyone in the group can pick up any items that could be valuable to them for free. it's just a way of reducing the amount of "trash" that goes to the landfills because, you know, one person's trash is another person's treasure. 

i've been part of this group for a long while now and never picked anything up. i've given up a ton of stuff, though, because i'm constantly in purge mode around our house. i think the circle of giving and receiving has finally come back to me within the last few weeks. 

first, i scored ceramic dishes with service for eight. i haven't taken a picture yet, but the set was in impeccable condition and didn't even look used. they were all plain white and go so well with the milk glass pyrex that i've been collecting from thrift stores. and it came at such a perfect time because many of our current mostly-matching-but-some-not-matching dishes were chipping left and right. they've now been tossed and replaced - for free.

today, i picked up this art easel. perfectly good condition, but it just wasn't getting any more love in the home that it was in. heaven knows it will get lots of love from this casa of boys - especially from liam. he busted out his dry erase markers and even pulled up his little chair in front of it. i couldn't peel him away all morning.  free.

last saturday's score - a retro radio flyer trike!!!! i've been dyyyying for one of these for my kids, but it was just never high enough on the "need" list. nothing ever really is, so i guess i meant the "really want" list. now we have one and it was free!

this cute little peanut wasn't really free but he was yearning to be free when he saw his brothers playing outside this afternoon.

please, mom. if i flash my multiple chins and neck rolls at you, will you please let me play outside?

ok, ok, neck roll baby. you can play outside, too.  

see wyatt's sweet ride? shawn was testing driving his car around the block after a repair he did and this was sitting at the curb outside someone's house with a sign that said, "FREE". in a heartbeat, the mister jammed it into the passenger seat of his mustang {i still don't know how he made it fit} and away he drove into the the sunset...errrr, back home to his kids.

another item getting little to no love in one home to lots of love in our home.

wait. what? you can ride on the bed of the truck? what about seatbelts?

i'm all about risk. i need to feel the air in my hair when i whoride down the block in this g-ride.

it really is true - some of the best things in life are free. or maybe they just become the best things because they are free. :)