a mother's day tribute

 

mother's day is always a bittersweet day for me. my heart is heavy, yet full of love, as i recall memories of my mom in angst. i can't help but relive the thoughts of why her? why me? why isn't she here with me anymore? i can only find consolation in the words to the poem that was read at her funeral:

God saw you getting tired 

and a cure was not to be

so he put his arms around you 

and whispered, "Come to Me"

With tearful eyes we watched you 

and saw you pass away

and although we love you dearly 

we could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating 

hard working hands at rest.

God broke our hearts to prove to us 

He only takes the best

it's true. all of it. she was the best. her heart was golden and her hands were hard working. i held her with tearful eyes as she took her last breaths. she was tired and needed rest. and i'm happy that she is now in a place where she can do just that.

i think back and remember her - the comforting hugs, her warm smile, her quick wit, wonderful sense of humor, all the little quirks about her that made her so freakin awesome - and i can't help but smile. she is the one who made me the person, woman, and mother that i am today.



her strength as a mother and her dedication to her family was immense and unending. her family always came before everything else. she worked two jobs and slept in her car between shifts so that she could put me in a private high school, even against my dad's pressing belief that i would do fine in a public school. she strove to provide the best she could for me and i regret not appreciating it more while she did it all. but i finally truly understand it and am grateful for every last bit of it all now - now that i am a mother myself - and it's the same dedication that i will strive to put forth toward my own children.

her love was unconditional and all-encompassing. no matter how difficult i was as a teenager, she stood by me, stuck up for me, and pushed me to always do more. i never realized how much i needed her until she was gone. to this day, i need her. to this day, i channel that unconditional and all-encompassing love from her, and that's what gets me through the tough days and makes me appreciate the good ones even more.

she was selfless. it was never about her. even when she was in her last days of battling cancer, it was never about her. she was diagnosed 3 months before i was headed to college with a scholarship to uc irvine. irvine is 500 miles from home, where she was. she made me go. she told me i had to. she told me i'd regret it. this was how selfless she was - in her last days of life, all she cared about was sending me off to the college that i worked so hard to earn a scholarship to.

i survived one trimester in irvine. she never asked me to come home. she never asked me to transfer to a closer school. it was me. i couldn't bear to be away from her. i drove home every single weekend to be with her. it made no sense. and when i told her i was coming home, she was heartbroken because she felt like i was letting go of the dream she had for me.

guess what, mom. i didn't let go of that dream. thank goodness mikey stayed in my belly one more week so i could walk at commencement. i didn't care if i was as big as a house, i was going to waddle across that stage and get that damn diploma, knowing that you were smiling down and watching, proud as could be.



this frame hangs in my kitchen where i can see it every morning when i wake up and every night as i go to bed..not to mention every moment in between where i feel like i'm losing my mind. she may not be with me, physically, anymore, but her spirit and love surrounds me and my family every single moment of our days.