everything's ok

God, what i would give for autism to just back the hell off....even for just a day. back off and let us enjoy a "normal" day - free of meltdowns, free of sensory overload, free of tears and free of heartache.

my heart ached immensely for my little liam today. we went to boomers - a place with mini golf, an arcade, etc. - for a birthday party. he's been here before for isaiah's birthday party and really, really enjoyed it, so we were completely blindsided by his reaction to this place today.

he was riding in the stroller and, as soon as we walked into the arcade - loud with video game noises, music and children squealing - his body immediately turned into jell-o. he slid out of the stroller and onto the ground, where he laid crying, screaming and kicking. nothing gave him comfort. nothing helped him "snap out of it". i tried to take him outside but it was raining, and he flopped onto the wet ground, still crying and flailing uncontrollably. i picked him up, but he arched his back and continued to flail. the only way i could control him was to cradle him like a baby and hold his 38-lb body to my chest with all my might so he couldn't move. it's amazing how quickly liam can go from zero to super human strength. all i could think was, "f-you, sensory overload. leave my baby alone!"

instead of liam being able to enjoy the birthday party with his friends, i sat with him in the car and read books and listened to music for 2.5 hours. we couldn't leave, or it wouldn't have been fair to isaiah and mikey, who were having the time of their lives.

now, leave an emotional woman in the car with a emotional child and it can only lead to disaster. i sat in the car, held my boy and cried. i cried and wondered. i wondered if it's always going to be like this. i wondered if it would ever get better. i wondered when - when liam can just be a kid, enjoy life, enjoy friends, enjoy a damn birthday party.

as we were driving home, shawn reached over, held my hand tight and said quietly yet confidently, "everything's ok." and somehow his words made everything right. he is absolutely right. this is our new normal and it's ok. and it's never going to get better because it's already absolutely awesome. liam is being the kid that he's meant to be and, even though he finds enjoyment in ways that we wouldn't expect, he's enjoying life. and he doesn't need a birthday party or an arcade - heck, he doesn't even need to leave our house - to do it.

source

imajinashun

I love how Mikey has such a great imagination. He can take anything and make it fun and exciting, then keep himself occupied with that 'thing' for hours.

Case in point, this stick turned bow and arrow, or bone in arrow, as dear Mikey refers to it. Hours of fun as a hunter in the paved backyard forest on the hunt for his prey...er, the unsuspecting and extremely compliant doggies, Angie and Cooper.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Android

flashback friday

i look at isaiah now and can't believe he's already done with first grade and going into second. whenever i look at that boy, this is what i see....

i see my sweet firstborn baby boy at his second birthday party. mouth full of cake and drool dripping down from his mouth and onto his shirt. sitting on my lap...yes, that's right. he's sitting on my lap. could you imagine if this boy sat on my lap right now? his bony behind would give me a charlie horse, for sure. and he was an only child...wait, what?! it's so hard to remember having only one child! but, according to this photo, there was such a time.

it's hard to believe that this moment was captured over five years ago. but i'm so happy that i took this moment to remember it. thanks, flashback friday.

happy, happy friday!

i hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. xo

30 day shred {week 1}

that's it. i'm going to bring it. after my fourth and final baby, i'm ready to bring it. i've been pretty comfortable with my body, especially considering it has created four children, the youngest three of which happened within a 3.5 year time span. insane, i tell ya. but now that i'm done having babies, i want to get my body to where i want it. it's not all about losing weight {although it does play a part}, but more about becoming healthier, feeling stronger, and being able to fit nicely into a cute shirt that i spot while shopping and not having to bitterly hang it back up on the rack after trying it on and feeling like it just doesn't fit right! ugh...i'm so sick of that bitter feeling!

this 30 day shred link-up couldn't have come at a better time because i'm already in the zone; i started running again and have been doing the p90 workout in my garage. this is not to be confused with p90x, because i know that i am completely incapable of doing that workout right now and refuse to discourage myself by even trying it. p90 is the workout program that is supposed to prepare your body for p90x, and it's doing a great job!

about a month ago, my husband and i started eating better, but we're not on any specific diet. we cut carbs out from our diets {although we do cheat, once in a while} and have been eating lots of protein and lots of vegetables. he brings a humongous salad to work for lunch everyday and i usually just eat carrot sticks or celery at home. dinner is also typically protein and veggies. we try to do the p90 workouts together in the garage 3-4 times a week. on the days we don't do the garage workout, he practices jiu-jitsu/boxing at his mma gym and i run 2 miles on the treadmill. so far, with just these changes, my husband has lost 17 pounds and i have lost 8.

throughout these lifestyle changes,  i've never made any measurements, or set goals, or tried to track anything besides weight. maybe because i've been afraid of failure. i do know that i'm ready to do it all now. and i realize that even if my measurements don't change or the numbers on the scale don't go down, i will not have failed because in one way or another, i will be a healthier and happier me....and that's the ultimate goal.


so here we go...

my before photo.

this is how you all should know i'm serious about this ish.
i would never have otherwise posted it!

{measurements} 
height: 5'4"
weight: 151.4 lbs
arms: {L} 11.5 inches {R} 11.5 inches
thighs: {L} 20.5 inches {R} 21 inches
upper waist (smallest part): 35 inches
lower waist (widest part): 40.5 inches
hips: 40 inches

{weekly goals}

- do the 30 day shred workout every day
-drink more water. this is going to be hard for me because i hate the taste {or lack thereof} of plain water. so i will make it a goal to drink 64 ounces a day.
- run a total of 8 miles each week.

{30 day goals}
- to strengthen my back. i've been having lower back problems from carrying liam around and i think it can be reduced significantly with strength training.
- to tone my arms. my legs are so strong already, i need to focus on my arms so that they don't continue waving bye after i've already stopped.
- lose a few inches in my mid-section. this is the most stubborn area for me to work on.

so let's do this! i'm so excited to start this and i'm even more excited to have the support and encouragement from the fabulous ladies who are participating. if you're even thinking about joining in....stop thinking and just do it!