a good friend of mine learned about wyatt's diagnosis and reminded me that "
it is ok to grieve", i have no idea why particular words said by particular people can invoke a particular response from me, while the same words from a different person will make me want to tell them to just shut the hell up. but hearing those words at that moment made me realize that i didn't allow myself the chance grieve properly over wyatt's diagnosis.
even before wyatt was diagnosed, we were proactive about watching for the "signs". as soon as he was diagnosed, i dove head-first into the paperwork process that will get him the right services that he needs. because we've been through it all once before, i've been denying myself the chance to grieve. i've also been lying to myself; convincing myself that this will be no big deal - if we've done it once, we can do it again.
that's bullshit. it is a big deal. and it's time for me to grieve. i'm mom and it's my job to be emotional about my children. if i'm not, then i'm doing something very wrong. it's time for me to take a moment and grieve for what could have been. and grieve for the unknown. i know it's all part of the healing process, necessary so that i can move on. if i don't grieve, these feelings of hurt and sadness will take up a permanent place in my heart - a place that should not be wasted on sadness and instead be extended as more love toward my children.
i grieve for wyatt and the childhood that i hoped for him.
i grieve for the hours, days, weeks, months of his childhood that he will lose to therapy and interventions.
i grieve for the frustration he feels each and every day that causes him to bang his head on things.
i grieve for my fear that he doesn't know how much i want to understand him.
i grieve for his lost voice - a beautiful voice that i know will present itself to us one day - but for now, i grieve it's loss.
i grieve for the cuddle time with my sweet boy that has been stolen by tactile sensitivity.
i grieve for his older brothers who are forced to grow up faster than any child should, just so that they can be more than a brother, but also a teacher and guide.
i grieve for the unkind words that my boys will inevitably hear on the playground at school.
i grieve for both liam and wyatt, who should not have to work so damn hard every single day just so people can understand them.
i grieve for all the things that each person in our family will have to sacrifice in the name of autism.
no one, especially children, should ever have to do that.
whether i go through this once, twice or twenty more times, it's never going to NOT suck. it's just as scary, i'm just as anxious and i'm just as worried as the last time, if not more. but the one and only thing that i really need to understand is that...it's ok.
